More than a simple trend, camp embodies a strong sensitivity for artificiality and exaggeration. Lived to the fullest, it turns into a cult of extravagance, which worships audacity on a sacred altar. A profound denial of uniform discretion, excess finding its salvation in the glorification of the best that bad taste has to offer.

Camp can be seen as a response to a need for individuality which, if it is first expressed in the way we dress, ultimately takes shape in all aspects of our daily lives. To quote Oscar Wilde — camp people love quotes, it makes them look smart —, "one should either be a work of art, or wear a work of art". So forget everything your therapist tells you for 60€ a week, we're about to explain you how to finally quench your thirst for recognition.

First of all, understand that minimalism is a myth. The slightest fantasy crossing your mind deserves to be realized. Not a trendy one? Even better. Wear more jewellery than Mr. T. Transcend your silhouette with surreal volumes. Long live feathers, tulle and frills. Mix colours and prints until you cause seizures on the subway at rush hour. Embrace discomfort: if you can move without hindrance, if you can walk without someone to carry you, you are not yet ready. "Less is more" is just an urban legend, a communist conspiracy to dominate society. Truth is, it's never enough.

Your life is a Hollywood blockbuster, your name is written in XXL letters at the top of the poster. It is time for humanity to treat you accordingly, for your greatness to be noticed. As the wise Lady Gaga once said: "I have always been famous, I was just the only one who knew it". One wonders why no one has yet given her name to a university...

Like a starlet on a promotional tour, be careful with your language. No turn of phrase is too pompous; there is no such thing as vulgarity. Play it Merriam-Webster or slang dictionary, be an academician or Cardi B, as long as you stick to the same register. Your voice timbre must be identifiable, try to develop your own expressions. Okuuuuuur bitches?

Speaking of which, don't stoop to talking about serious matters. Politics does not concern you, except perhaps the Louis Vuitton dresses and Balmain blazers of the First Lady. Focus on your passions worthy of a Belle Époque socialite, tell how much you loved Swan Lake at the Opéra Garnier. No one needs to know that you watched it on Youtube, or even if you saw it at all. As long as you take a look at the Black Swan trailer, you should be all right. In any case, start all your sentences with "me, me, me", the only tolerable introduction in your noble mouth.

In addition, the camp philosophy must be reflected on every wall of your home. No matter if you are broke: it is not an Ikea kit piece of furniture, but the chest of drawers drawn by a Scandinavian designer of international stature. You haven't hung the print of a selfie over your couch, it's the portrait of your biggest muse. Mirrors are your new best friends. Decorate your living room like an Ottoman brothel, line your staircase with Barbie pink. If it's good for Paris Hilton and Mariah Carey, it's obviously good for you too.

As for those who find you caricatural, too far below you to grasp your (lack of) subtlety, let them flounder through their ignorance. After all, according to Gianni Versace, "one must have depth to be superficial"... •


Zackary
Hugh Hefner's and Donatella Versace's lovechild, I am the visible half of the duo behind ZACKARIUM. In love with fashion since I was in short pants, my mission is to guide you smoothly through the jungle of brands and catwalks.