For weeks, Stephen Hawking’s gang has been banging our ears with their stories of astronomical phenomena. On July 27, a total eclipse of the Moon occurred. At the same time, Mars hit the inlay near our planet, illuminating the Earth’s satellite with a reddish tinge. “A spellbinding spectacle, of great rarity,” they said.
Your humble servant was invited to a modest reception the same evening. Since matching your outfit to your bag has become outdated, I eventually decided to match it to the stars. After an hour in the bathroom, I came out with black eyes on a face cleverly covered in red and gold glitter — I am of a shy and reserved nature, I swear! Anyway, if my ceremonial costume certainly received compliments, it remains that my point was vain: there were so many clouds that the Moon was invisible… and that the rain threatened to ruin my garment of light.
What was my horoscope saying that day? I don’t know, I haven’t read it. However, in the meantime, I addressed the Cosmos especially for you. Here’s what he has in store for you…
Leo (July 23 to August 22)
- Friendship: your friends estimate your value at the level of the 200 € gift-card you received on your bday.
- Money: Fortunately, your grandparents are here.
- Love: When was the last time you roared?
Virgo (August 23 to September 22)
- Friendship: Your best friend steals from your wallet when you fall asleep in front of Netflix.
- Money: keep kissing your manager’s ass, it’ll pay off.
- Love: everyone knows that the only virgin thing about you is your sign.
Libra (September 23 to October 22)
- Friendship: your entourage will continue to support your bipolarity.
- Money: it’s time to find an underground job to supplement your unemployment allowance.
- Love: your crotch is your second brain.votre entourage continuera de supporter votre bipolarité.
Scorpio (October 23 to November 22)
- Friendship: Stop masturbating and go out and join your gang.
- Money: stop masturbating and go to work.
- Love: continue masturbating.
Sagittarius (23 November to 21 December)
- Friendship: Remember, too much beer makes you fat.
- Money: no need to spend your overdraft at Zara, we know it’s not Prada.
- Love: once is not really homosexuality.
Capricorne (du 22 décembre au 20 janvier)
- Friendship: You don’t have any.
- Money: Spend it to make friends. Paying drinks is a good approach. Hookers too.
- Love: reinstall Tinder.
Aquarius (January 21 to February 19)
- Friendship: you will soon expand your network.
- Money: you will soon get a promotion.
- Love: you will soon discover his-her adultery.
Pisces (February 20 to March 20)
- Friendship: Thought about signing up as a group for France Got Talent? Don’t.
- Money: you will get by. You cheap one.
- Love: it is time to bring something new. Your SM impulses are resurfacing, let them express themselves.
Aries (March 21 to April 20)
- Friendship: everyone loves you.
- Money: everything is going well for you.
- Love: here too. That’s why everyone hates you.out le monde vous adore.
Taurus (April 21 to May 21)
- Friendship: it was just a kiss, you are still friends.
- Money: it was just a kiss, it’s still your boss.
- Love: it wasn’t just a kiss, you’re not together anymore.
Gemini (May 22 to June 21)
- Friendship: “they can’t sit with us”, you say. Chill, nobody wants to do so.
- Money: click here.
- Love: Your mother-in-law has a crush on you.
Cancer (June 22 to July 22)
- Friendship: let go, it’s fine.
- Money: Bitch Better Have Your Money.
- Love: you will spend a grandiose holiday. You’ll come home with gonorrhea
Let us not forget: we are masters of our destiny… are we not? •