For weeks, Stephen Hawking’s gang has been banging our ears with their stories of astronomical phenomena. On July 27, a total eclipse of the Moon occurred. At the same time, Mars hit the inlay near our planet, illuminating the Earth’s satellite with a reddish tinge. “A spellbinding spectacle, of great rarity,” they said.

Your humble servant was invited to a modest reception the same evening. Since matching your outfit to your bag has become outdated, I eventually decided to match it to the stars. After an hour in the bathroom, I came out with black eyes on a face cleverly covered in red and gold glitter — I am of a shy and reserved nature, I swear! Anyway, if my ceremonial costume certainly received compliments, it remains that my point was vain: there were so many clouds that the Moon was invisible… and that the rain threatened to ruin my garment of light.

What was my horoscope saying that day? I don’t know, I haven’t read it. However, in the meantime, I addressed the Cosmos especially for you. Here’s what he has in store for you…

Leo (July 23 to August 22)

Michelle Williams, 23 July (MIA since the dissolution of Destiny’s Child).
  • Friendship: your friends estimate your value at the level of the 200 € gift-card you received on your bday.
  • Money: Fortunately, your grandparents are here.
  • Love: When was the last time you roared?

Virgo (August 23 to September 22)

Colonel Sanders, September 09 (pioneer of large-scale fried chicken).
  • Friendship: Your best friend steals from your wallet when you fall asleep in front of Netflix.
  • Money: keep kissing your manager’s ass, it’ll pay off.
  • Love: everyone knows that the only virgin thing about you is your sign.

Libra (September 23 to October 22)

Kim Kardashian, October 21 (in addition to a birthday, she and I share a callipyge silhouette).
  • Friendship: your entourage will continue to support your bipolarity.
  • Money: it’s time to find an underground job to supplement your unemployment allowance.
  • Love: your crotch is your second brain.votre entourage continuera de supporter votre bipolarité.

Scorpio (October 23 to November 22)

RuPaul, November 17 (the most famous drag queen in the world).
  • Friendship: Stop masturbating and go out and join your gang.
  • Money: stop masturbating and go to work.
  • Love: continue masturbating.

Sagittarius (23 November to 21 December)

Woody Allen, 01 December (married to his adopted daughter).

Capricorne (du 22 décembre au 20 janvier)

Pitbull, January 15 (the richest hick in the world).
  • Friendship: You don’t have any.
  • Money: Spend it to make friends. Paying drinks is a good approach. Hookers too.
  • Love: reinstall Tinder.

Aquarius (January 21 to February 19)

Kaaris, 30 January (first victim from France since last week).
  • Friendship: you will soon expand your network.
  • Money: you will soon get a promotion.
  • Love: you will soon discover his-her adultery.

Pisces (February 20 to March 20)

Ivana Trump, February 20 (First golddigger of the United States, addicted to the scalpel).
  • Friendship: Thought about signing up as a group for France Got Talent? Don’t.
  • Money: you will get by. You cheap one.
  • Love: it is time to bring something new. Your SM impulses are resurfacing, let them express themselves.

Aries (March 21 to April 20)

Celine Dion, March 30 (widow turned cougar).
  • Friendship: everyone loves you.
  • Money: everything is going well for you.
  • Love: here too. That’s why everyone hates you.out le monde vous adore.

Taurus (April 21 to May 21)

Shakespeare, April 23 (repressed faggot).
  • Friendship: it was just a kiss, you are still friends.
  • Money: it was just a kiss, it’s still your boss.
  • Love: it wasn’t just a kiss, you’re not together anymore.

Gemini (May 22 to June 21)

Helena Bonham Carter, May 26 (the actress who has never met a blow-dry).
  • Friendship: “they can’t sit with us”, you say. Chill, nobody wants to do so.
  • Money: click here.
  • Love: Your mother-in-law has a crush on you.

Cancer (June 22 to July 22)

Frida Kahlo, 06 July (the artist who never knew tweezers).
  • Friendship: let go, it’s fine.
  • Money: Bitch Better Have Your Money.
  • Love: you will spend a grandiose holiday. You’ll come home with gonorrhea

Let us not forget: we are masters of our destiny… are we not? •

Hugh Hefner's and Donatella Versace's lovechild, I am the visible half of the duo behind ZACKARIUM. In love with fashion since I was in short pants, my mission is to guide you smoothly through the jungle of brands and catwalks.