How many times have I heard “you fashion people do too much” or “why the fuck should we care about fashion shows, it’s unwearable anyway”? If fashion were a religion, the shows would be its masses and fashion week, its great pilgrimage. Our Santiago de Donatella, an intense and profound ordeal that requires more energy than joining Doctors Without Borders in the suburbs of Aleppo.

Elbowing your way through the crowd to get into a Uber, heading for the 8th. Enduring traffic jams, tourists, kids hoping to get their picture taken at the entrance. Having to give kisses to people you hate, being up at 9:00 in the morning… Too many poor souls crack under pressure, even end up wearing the same shoes two days in a row. No, really, you have to experience it to understand it. That must be what penance looks like…

As a fervent preacher, it is my duty to share these few teachings that will soften the journey of style martyrs. Be strong, brothers. And remember: complaining is far too much of a 2018 Celine fan.

Getting peckish?

Eating in public is like walking around naked: you don’t do that, except in Berlin. If possible, also avoid eating in private, it may eventually come to light. If, unfortunately, your body were to take back its rights and remind you that it needs to be fed, don’t panic. Just isolate yourself in a corner, and devour Tastemade videos while sucking on an ice cube from the champagne bucket. If you still have room left after all this for dessert, indulge in the pleasure of a Tic-Tac and its 2 kcal.

Getting foot pain?

In one week, you will be using your feet more than in a year from this pilates course that you paid for but never went. Take care of yourself, wear sneakers. In case of force majeure, you can always rent a wheelchair. It is also the best way to be seated front row, despite your invitation card stipulating standing.

Dehydrated?

Trashing people makes you thirsty, licking boots even more. Always remember to put a small Evian in your bag, or buy a bottle of water from the North Pole for 15 €, making sure you drink it ostensibly. For the more adventurous, a little personal tip: vodka tonic has exactly the same appearance as Perrier.

Tired?

After-show finished at 4am, first show at the other end of Paris at 10am. “You need to rest, look forward to Deauville,” you think as you snort your cocaine rail. In case the magic powder doesn’t work, there’s only one solution left to hide your face: give in to the balaclava trend, already spotted at GucciCalvin Klein and in the latest A$AP Rocky clip. Our little advice? Avoid coupling it to a large black tunic, you don’t want to look like a jihadist.

Denied a show?

Shame, blasphemy, disgrace. You were refused entry to a show like a common proletarian. Perhaps you have simply forgotten your invitation at home, perhaps you refuse the risk of revealing your age by taking out your ID. It doesn’t matter anymore. Between the delay in rigour, the presentation of the collection and the departure of the spectators, this gives you about an hour to use all your social networks and organize a Yellow Vests rally at the place of your excommunication.

You now have all the keys, try to survive until next season…. •

This article is part of the #23 — The Men Fashion Week Special series.

Eating disorders, alcohol abuse and drug use should be taken seriously. If necessary, do not hesitate to contact your doctor or support groups near you.


Zackary
Hugh Hefner's and Donatella Versace's lovechild, I am the visible half of the duo behind ZACKARIUM. In love with fashion since I was in short pants, my mission is to guide you smoothly through the jungle of brands and catwalks.