As I scribble the first lines of this article, a friend of mine is driving me crazy. The reason: he has recently started on a ketogenic diet which, roughly speaking, strictly bans carbohydrates. I wish I could support him other than with a “hang on there!”, tell him I understand… but I’ve always been more than enviably thin. Somebody give him an ice cream cone, for God’s sake.

How can I blame him, though? He would not be the first to wish to lose his unsightly kilos, all the more so with the approach of a holiday. While magazines keep on and on about the same yo-yo diets, we take stock of those that really work — probably even a little too much…

The “Parisian” diet
  • Breakfast: coffee without sugar.
  • Lunch: half a baguette.
  • Dinner: a bottle of red wine and a packet of Gauloises.

Note: also works in anticipation of your reunion with your ex.

The “5 fruit and vegetables per day” diet
  • Breakfast: a cucumber juice.
  • Lunch: a carrot and tomato juice.
  • Dinner: a prune juice.

Note: also works to successfully seduce your best friend’s fiancé(e) at your pool party.

The “granola” diet
  • Breakfast: a bowl of granola on white cheese 0%, without granola.
  • Lunch: a bowl of granola on white cheese 0%, without granola.
  • Dinner: a bowl of granola on white cheese 0%, without granola.

Note: also works for sleeping with your coach at the gym.

The “electro” regime
  • Breakfast: one or two chocolate breads.
  • Lunch: a hamburger and a large fry, with soda.
  • Dinner: three ecstasy pills at a rave.

Note: also works when your ex has dumped you again and the “Parisian” diet is not enough to forget it. 

The “magic” diet
  • Breakfast: whatever you want.
  • Lunch: whatever you want.
  • Dinner: Whatever you want.Petit-déjeuner : ce que vous voulez.

Note: only works if, at the end of each meal, you push your index and middle fingers as deeply as possible into your throat. 

The beach is now yours. Try not to drown on an empty stomach. •

Eating disorders, alcohol abuse and drug use should be taken seriously, beyond this parody. If necessary, do not hesitate to contact your doctor or support groups near you. 


Zackary
Hugh Hefner's and Donatella Versace's love child, I am the visible half of the duo behind ZACKARIUM. In love with fashion since I was in short pants, my mission is to guide you smoothly through the jungle of brands and catwalks.