As the holidays approach, humanity can be divided into two categories. On one hand, those who put on comfortable pajamas to stuff themselves with chocolate in front of a TV movie, in which a girl as hot as she is single is unable to reconcile professional, family and emotional life. I mean, until the arrival of a handsome lumberjack who carves wooden elves in his Ford pickup truck. On the other hand, those who see their Instagram feed invaded by pictures of hideous children who were still just ordinary orgasms a few years ago. Their only consolation: hanging on to the special offers from the alcohol department (-20% on champagne bottles at Walmart).
"Pleasure to offer, joy to receive"? The biggest scam ever! While I'm always looking forward to unpacking gifts, watching my anorexic bank account melt like snow in the sun is absolutely not exciting. Might as well spend that money (that I don't have) on me directly. In any case, my tastes are far too luxurious for my loved ones, who should already be delighted by my delicious presence and my incomparable modesty. A little like Valentine's Day with love, don't I have the whole rest of the year to be generous?
Anyway, I much prefer New Year's Eve to December 24th, and a hangover to an upset stomach. Yet, Christmas can also be the perfect pretext for a few drinks with friends, without a xenophobic uncle who has "lots of Arab colleagues, but they love wine". Occasions that I am always ready to attend, drinking as if Christ had been born that day. That said, how surprised I was when one of them decided to impose an "ugly sweaters" theme for our dinner. Don't get me wrong: I'm ok for the Secret Santa at the price of a pack of cigarettes, but not for that...
I tried to rebel, but I couldn't. Because he'll be our host, I apparently don't have any say in the matter. How does he dare telling that to an author? Dear readers, here is why, in 15 points, we should definitely ban the atrocities that are Christmas sweaters...
- They were popularized by Bridget Jones' Diary, a film produced by the notorious sexual pervert Harvey Weinstein.
- You don't have Colin Firth's typically British swag.
- With few exceptions, they are 100% polyester.
- You only wear them once or twice a year, think of our planet.
- They were made on the other side of the world by kids even more miserable than the Gremlins in my Instagram feed.
- They are usually red, a color you should avoid when your drunk complexion tends to turn crimson.
- Your infamous racist uncle loves them.
- His poor wife even more so.
- In my head, the Magi are dressed in Margiela. The Virgin Mary in Versace.
- It's not camp, it's not kitsch. It's just ugly.
- They go with absolutely nothing.
- They instantly make you gain 3 pounds.
- While I work my butt off to make a name for myself in fashion, Anne Marie Blackman became a millionaire thanks to her e-shop My Ugly Christmas Sweater.
- I'm more of a Hoe Hoe Hoe than Ho Ho Ho.
- I'd rather put on a Santa Claus stripper costume, I'd have more chances of having sex with a stranger. After all, isn't that what the holiday spirit is all about...? •