Sharp tongue

How to dress in case of an alien invasion?

02 June 2019 | Posted by Zackary

If, like me, you have already got lost in the meander of Youtube after smoking a little too much, you have necessarily watched at least one video about aliens. From the risks of an intergalactic war, to the so-called secret CIA files, the Internet is teeming with distractions for those nostalgic for Mulder and Scully.

My favorite? The Annunaki theory, based on a Sumerian myth that aliens landed on our planet for its gold — we can't blame them — before creating the Man who will work in the mines. They would also have given us knowledge, taught us to build, to organize ourselves into a society.... The pyramids? Simple launch pads for their rockets.

If you have been reading us for a long time, you know that my encounter with the Church of Scientology is the closest thing to a probe exploration in a flying saucer — according to its founder, our environment was first populated by the naughty children of another star. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that no civilization exists anywhere outside our solar system. After all, if some of my girls have finally found a boyfriend, everything is possible. The War of the Worlds could prove prophetic, hundreds of spaceships could suddenly float over our heads, and humanoid creatures could want to enslave us....

Faced with the invader from a distant constellation, several possibilities arise. A victim of interstellar propaganda, I would personally try to use my charms to secure a warm place in one of our new rulers' homes. Judging by all these Japanese women swallowing octopuses alive, sticky tentacles can't be that bad — if you were fantasizing about Carlo in Sponge Bob, it also works... I would then opt for a sophisticated and sensual outfit, probably a formal pair of pants combined with a silk organza top, just to say "easy guy, but not too much". In any case, all I have to do is pray to find aliens with a thing for bleach-haired weaklings.

Another way to express your support for their cause is to wear their colours. Helmet and cosmonaut suit, retrofuturist outfit, blazer with a Mao collar and shoulder pads, jacket with integrated LEDs... Draw inspiration from the influence of science fiction on fashion, show E.T.'s cousins that you are on their side.

If you have more honor, but lack courage, hiding is the only solution. Play it urban minimalism in a palette of grey shades, incognito when you hug the walls, without losing refinement. In the countryside, turn to a full camo look: military prints, combat boots, and khaki pants held by a crocodile belt — soldier, but make it fashion. Hopefully our enemies will not have heat-sensing vision.

In a more theatrical manner, let them come and get you. Put on your most extravagant outfit, give the aliens a real camp-style demonstration. Feathers, pearls, nothing is grand enough to become the most refined in hard labor — remember Naomi Campbell sweeping in a Dolce & Gabanna dress, after her conviction for hitting an assistant with a BlackBerry. Log in to Spotify, and start Survivor by Destiny's Child while waiting for your time with presence. Enjoy the occasion for one last twerk.

Finally, comes the resistance. Like Denzel Washington in Training Day, long live the leather jacket and bling necklaces. We would also advise you to think of a 48-hour bag, so that you can carry your gear around. Black will be your favourite colour, both powerful and discreet. While you're at it, try to steal a car that fits your needs: no one wants to save humanity in a tiny Twingo. And don't forget the sunglasses, you won't look cool otherwise.

To all those brave people who will choose to fight, who will defend our species at the risk of their lives, thank you. It is for you that I will turn away from my asteroid jewellery if I sense your victory... •

Hugh Hefner's and Donatella Versace's love child, I am the visible half of the duo behind ZACKARIUM. Addicted to fashion and to Lucky Strike, my mission is to guide you smoothly through the jungle of brands and catwalks.

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