On Valentine’s Day season, humanity divides into four categories: people in a relationship planning to mark the occasion; those with little to do about it; single people also… and those who are depressed at the thought of being alone. Yes, I’m talking to you who spent your Thursday night watching YOU hoping to get kidnapped by a hottie. You who, as if by chance, have chosen this day to subscribe to the Pornhub premium option. And while we’re at it, it also works for you who have discreetly ordered 50 € of comfort food on UberEats.
Let’s not kid ourselves: if you are in this state, there is a 90% chance that you still struggle to recover from a difficult break-up, and 100% that those around are tired of hearing you whine. Some of your colleagues have even quit smoking to avoid you.
No matter how hard you try to convince yourself that your “real match” is waiting for you somewhere, nothing works. At that rate, you’ll be found dead in Nutella’s stained pajamas before spring. Fortunately for you, when self-help books and Beyoncé’s albums are no longer enough, that’s when I show up…
“Call me Karma, and Karma is a bitch”
Remember when your friends told you again and again, “Forget it, you deserve better than that! “or “the best revenge is to rebuilt yourself and move on with your life”? They were all wrong. Revenge is part of the natural healing process — an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, what is good for Abraham is good for you.
Like my weed delivery man, order a Lebara Mobile chip. Next time you spy on your rival’s profile — don’t deny it — and see that they are together, draw your SIM and don’t skimp on sordid sext messages. Remember to also put his/her number on swingers’ sites and write it on public toilets. To be renewed until a restraining order is received.
Otherwise, you can still gather what you have left of dignity for step 2.
Since you may have already been registered for harassment by now, another small registration at the French Bank will not change much. It is scientifically proven that shopping leads to the production of dopamine, the pleasure hormone. At your level, it’s downright therapeutic.
Spend as if your credit card had no limit, walk around Avenue Montaigne as if you were winning a game of Monopoly— bam, a hotel at Gucci! Kind of like in Pretty Woman, in short, without being a whore.
When your Visa Electron gets denied, play it vintage and choose the paper from your checkbook, or the anti-theft magnet we praised right here[INSERT URL]. When you go home, do not put any bags in the cab trunk: you will not be able to pick them up before you run. Tomorrow is another day, Instagram as long as the bailiffs have not arrived.
Drunk (in love)
What’s the point of crying over old pictures while listening to Drunk in Love, when you could really get drunk? Wear your new clothes duly acquired, and gather the few friends who have not yet fled from you. Tonight is the last step: you’re going out.
By the way, avoid strip clubs or chippendales, you might make an emotional transfer. We therefore highly recommend a very traditional bar, favourable to your re-education and to the presence of other desperate souls. Don’t worry, there are more of you than you think. Ask the friends who are accompanying you…
In case of an anxiety attack, trust the most reliable member of your gang: alcohol. Only he can increase your self-confidence, while reducing your selection criteria. Let yourself be carried away, and don’t be too demanding. After all this time, you’re probably not a good fuck either. •