Sharp tongue

How to look rich (while being broke)?

23 August 2019 | Posted by Zackary

I’m not poor, I promise you that! Just because I have no euro aside, that my counsellor is registered under the name “don’t answer”, and that that I found myself comparing the price per kilo of two bottles of Martini does not mean I am poor, does it? — by the way, take the one of a liter…

Sometimes I would have liked to work in an easy and light job where appearance doesn’t matter, but I had to end up in fashion. A ruthless world where your style is remembered before your name, like a Black Mirror episode in which each pair of eyes is a scanner constantly judging you.

I tried to file for a loan to buy a crocodile-skin Birkin, but my request was refused. I also thought about selling a kidney on the darknet, but I would still have had to add €2,000 for this Cartier necklace I think of when I masturbate. While I was finishing my Kleenex box, I then had a revelation: as our American friends say, fake it until you make it! After all, Bernard Madoff and Blac Chyna did it well.

If you think coloring your credit card with a black marker is enough, this article is definitely made for you…

Having the right accessories

Perfectly in line with the utility trend, you would make a strong impression with your Alyx Studio for Dior belt… if only you could afford it. We spend our lives drooling over leather goods and accessories thinking that they are our entry to the Valhalla of luxury, when we actually only need one: the labelling gun. Praise be to the consumer code and its legal withdrawal period.

In case you can’t even advance the costs, relax, there is a solution: the lock magnet, universal model.

Arriving with a bang

Nothing is more proletarian than walking. It is even said that at the time when notables still had castles in Boulogne and the poor had mud, an aristocrat told her shoemaker “I only put on my shoes once, and they are torn”. His answer? “It’s that Madame walked”.

Conclusion: try to show up in a black sedan. Locate the nearest subway station, get off at two front stops, and order a Uber. Quick as a flash.

Attending trendy places

To exist is to be seen — or the other way around, we drank a little too much Martini at this stage to know. Les Bains (famous Paris nightclub, editor’s note) are reborn from their ashes, Kim Kardashian takes a jet to eat a cheesecake at the Hôtel Costes, the Ritz still retains its exclusive aura: go over there.

No one’s asking you to order a bottle of champagne, a simple coffee will allow you to stay there for an hour. Don’t forget to activate the location function when you take your selfie…

Building your image

Speaking of selfies, don’t neglect your social networks. If the right angle is found, Société Générale‘s headquarters in Fontenay-sous-Bois can become a Manhattan skyscraper. With the right filter, the Gorges du Verdon turn into the Grand Canyon. All you have left to do is hashtagging #IntoTheWild as if you really knew who Jack Kerouac was.

Watching your back

Instead of buying your Rouge Coco or Eau Sauvage at Sephora, go to the department store: even if you only take a 25 € nail polish, you will be given a bag stamped with the name of the house. Keep it close to you at all times. If your credit card is ever refused at Walmart, you can always say “I had to reach my ceiling” without inspiring any pity.

Smoking like a chimney

Considering the rate at which tobacco prices are rising, you have to be a Rothschild heir to continue smoking without worrying about your wallet. Yes, even you, the altermondialists who roll your ciggies.

Anyway, remember one thing: if you get caught, you’ve never read me. •

Hugh Hefner's and Donatella Versace's love child, I am the visible half of the duo behind ZACKARIUM. Addicted to fashion and to Lucky Strike, my mission is to guide you smoothly through the jungle of brands and catwalks.

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