Sharp tongue

This week's horoscope

20 August 2019 | Posted by Zackary

According to one of my very good friends, everything that happens to us is already written in the stars. Love compatibility, professional success, human relations... There is nothing that the constellations do not already know. Signs and ascendants hold no secrets for her; you should see her draw up the astral chart of each of her new boyfriends — even if they all ended up becoming her exes.

Rather spiritual in nature, a part of me wants to believe in astrology. A libra, I am supposed to advocate balance, justice and peace, while being courteous and sociable. In other words, goodness incarnated. Yet, every time I read my horoscope, I find myself facing lines that are vague enough to be able to see just about any event that punctuates my daily life. According to the famous Christine Haas, I'm asking myself questions today — who would have thought so! 

Anyway, because I refuse to be the only one to deal with this difficult week, during which it should be illegal to work, I drew the cards to know what the cosmos has in store for you...

Leo (July 23 to August 22)

Michelle Williams, 23 July (MIA since the dissolution of Destiny’s Child).
  • Friendship: your friends estimate your value at the level of the 200 € gift-card you received on your bday.
  • Money: Fortunately, your grandparents are here.
  • Love: When was the last time you roared?

Virgo (August 23 to September 22)

Colonel Sanders, September 09 (pioneer of large-scale fried chicken).
  • Friendship: Your BFF steals from your wallet when you fall asleep in front of Netflix.
  • Money: keep kissing your manager’s ass, it’ll pay off.
  • Love: everyone knows that the only virgin thing about you is your sign.

Libra (September 23 to October 22)

Kim Kardashian, October 21 (defying gravity since 2007).
  • Friendship: your entourage will continue to support your mood swings.
  • Money: it’s time to find an underground job to supplement your unemployment allowance.
  • Love: your crotch is your second brain.

Scorpio (October 23 to November 22)

RuPaul, November 17 (the most famous drag queen in the world).
  • Friendship: Stop masturbating and go out and join your gang.
  • Money: stop masturbating and go to work.
  • Love: continue masturbating.

Sagittarius (23 November to 21 December)

Woody Allen, 01 December (married to his adopted daughter).

Capricorne (du 22 décembre au 20 janvier)

Pitbull, January 15 (the richest hick in the world).
  • Friendship: You don’t have any.
  • Money: Spend it to make friends. Paying drinks is a good approach. Hookers too.
  • Love: reinstall Tinder.

Aquarius (January 21 to February 19)

Kaaris, 30 January (victimized at the airport).
  • Friendship: you will soon expand your network.
  • Money: you will soon get a promotion.
  • Love: you will soon discover his-her adultery.

Pisces (February 20 to March 20)

Ivana Trump, February 20 (Very First Golddigger of the United States).
  • Friendship: Thought about signing up as a group for France Got Talent? Don’t.
  • Money: you will get by. You cheap one.
  • Love: it is time to bring something new. Your SM impulses are resurfacing, let them express themselves.

Aries (March 21 to April 20)

Celine Dion, March 30 (widow turned cougar).
  • Friendship: everyone loves you.
  • Money: everything is going well for you.
  • Love: here too. That’s why everyone hates you.

Taurus (April 21 to May 21)

Shakespeare, April 23 (repressed faggot).
  • Friendship: it was just a kiss, you are still friends.
  • Money: it was just a kiss, it’s still your boss.
  • Love: it wasn’t just a kiss, you’re not together anymore.

Gemini (May 22 to June 21)

Helena Bonham Carter, May 26 (the actress who has never met a blow-dry).
  • Friendship: “they can’t sit with us”, you say. Chill, nobody wants to.
  • Money: click here.
  • Love: Your mother-in-law has a crush on you.

Cancer (June 22 to July 22)

Frida Kahlo, 06 July (the artist who never knew tweezers).
  • Friendship: let go, it’s fine.
  • Money: Bitch Better Have Your Money.
  • Love: you will spend a grandiose vacation. You’ll come home with gonorrhea

Let us not forget: we are masters of our destiny… are we not? •

Hugh Hefner's and Donatella Versace's love child, I am the visible half of the duo behind ZACKARIUM. Addicted to fashion and to Lucky Strike, my mission is to guide you smoothly through the jungle of brands and catwalks.

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